Not Perfect: March 24 - 30

I think it started in first or second grade. Mrs. Pearson gave out gold stars for top grades and sitting straight at our desks. By the end of the month, I had more stars than all my classmates and got a prize - a Rubik's cube. From that point on, I was the best little boy in grade school, high school, college, and life. On the upside, I got stickers and scholarships; on the downside, I based my self-worth on other people's ideas of who I should be. Turns out, I'm not the perfect spouse, partner, teacher, runner, cook, consultant, nor any of the other roles I play so well.

So it is no surprise that I bring this tendency to my spiritual life. If only I pray hard enough, sit still enough, discover the right practice...

Underneath all my striving is fear. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. If others could truly see my flaws and weaknesses, they would reject me. Perfectionism creates chains. Letting go of perfection creates freedom. Once again mindfulness challenges me to see life as it really is rather than a projection of what I think it should be.

Practice

Reflect on this prayer by Thomas Merton, Trappist monk, poet and mystic

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you

does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though

I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

“The Merton Prayer” from Thoughts in Solitude